I'm writing this entire blog from the keypad on my phone. I've just finished up a full week in the apartment without internet, no vehicle and only 20 minutes left on my phone plan.
After a morning of discovering that I only had whole bean coffee and no grinder, I didn't think the day could get any worse, but it did. Disappointing emails, discouraging news, and a growing list of tasks I need to finish before the wedding weighed down on me ... I texted Matt, "why is it such a struggle?" His response made me stop and think. "My love, it is for our enjoyment in His sufficiency."
In the last five months, God's plans have completely countered all my expectations. And every time I think I'm finally "on-track" I'm met with another surprise. Looking back, I can see that all of these "upsets" have been for my greater enjoyment of God.
But in the moment, when things don't go as expected, it's hard to see it. I get upset thinking that if my plans had just turned out, the world (at least my world) would be so much better off. My thoughts begin to stray. I wonder how things would've turned out if I'd just done this or that. The possibilities are endless and soon I am depressed, despairing that somewhere, somehow, I must've gone wrong. Gently, God reminds me that I do not have the power or ability to thwart His plans. I was dead in sin and He rescued me. I had no being and He formed me in my mother's womb. I fail to think on Him and yet He supplies my every breath. I see more and more that I have, as Timothy Keller puts it, placed my identity in my works and in my sin. On the one hand, when things go just as I've planned, I am ecstatic! My plans (or my works) have prevailed and I am a success. On the other hand, on days like today, when my plans fail, when disappointing things happen that I have no control over, I am miserably deflated. My failed plans and lack of ability means I have failed. Sometimes, I realize that this means I've put too much importance in my plans or in my ability to carry them out ... I've fallen into the trap of worshipping the idol of ability again, and then I'm depressed. My failings and sin become my identity.
Keller's book is called "The Freedom of Self-forgetfulness" and in it he calls us to remember our identity in Christ, to focus on His perfect work and defeat of sin, rather than our works and our sin. And that takes me back to Matt's text ... God is not rubbing my lack of ability in my face when plans go awry, but instead, He is lovingly calling me to rest in His sufficiency. Matt texted a little later, "Please look to Christ and His attributes, His sufficiency, His portion, His providence, and His tender care." As I meditate, God graciously shows me that He sees me perfect in Christ (and not because of my works), that He is faithful regardless of my merit, that He is more powerful than all the sin in me. By His ministering, my distressed soul is comforted. By His grace, I can say with Paul, "But [God] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
