February 24th and 25th: "Echoes of Mercy, Whispers of Love"

Sunday, February 24th:

I'm still not able to explain very much about the past few days, but I can say that on Wednesday night we learned that Sarah had to return home very suddenly and unexpectedly. It was a hard time for all of us as she prepared to leave within 24 hours. Not only was there the emotional response of losing a teammate, friend, and coworker, but also the logistical response, wondering why and what would happen next.

My heart ached for Sarah as I saw her grief. My heart ached for her students who wouldn't get to say goodbye. My heart ached for our team and the memories this triggered of the events occurring almost one year ago. My heart ached too for myself ... Sarah and I knew we'd part ways for the summer, but we hadn't expected anything this sudden. It's hard to lose someone who has lived life with you through difficult circumstances that others have never experienced.

I went through a wave of different emotions today. While I woke up encouraged by last night and this morning's devotionals, by the time my day ended at school, I was drained, tired, and feeling bitterness creep in. Thankfully my Skype call with Mom allowed me to express my frustrations and talk through what I know to be true vs. what I am feeling. Afterwards, I was able to take those thoughts to the Lord and leave them with Him.

Monday, February 25th:

This morning I was able to do a cardio workout and felt much more energized for the day. My classes went well, though I had a frustrating moment when one of the students went over my head, talked to the principal and got him to write a letter excusing the student on three assignments. I've taken over Sarah's afternoon literature class. Even though it has been a bit of an adjustment, I'm thankful that the students already know me (from my time as a classroom monitor, sub, and through the soccer clinic last spring).

After school I went to my friend, H's house for lunch. It was an encouraging visit. H had many comforting and uplifting words to say. As I left, I was reminded that:

My motives for moving forward can be found in the past, remembering what was done for me by Someone who left everything to come to sinful man. I can look at my work here in the negative, focusing on all the things I've given up, or I can look at it in the positive, remembering what was given up for me.

From H's house, I taxied to Andy and Lisa's for team time. Andy led us through the first 17 verses of James. Here are a few of the things that summarized what I've been thinking about over the past few weeks and the events of the past few days:

I can delight in this time because it is a gift from God. "Every good and perfect gift comes from above." What is the gift? A perfect work. God is perfecting me that I may be entire, lacking nothing. How am I being perfected? God is testing my faith and growing my patience. My patience has worn thin over the past few days, and it finally became clear tonight that I am impatient to see my desires come about. Even if the desires are good - I don't want anyone to feel the hurt of this anymore," "I want to see the fruit from these hardships" - they become inordinate when I prefer them over God, His desires, and what He is doing. (I read an article on this about two weeks ago ... providential preparation). My impatience reveals inordinate desires. James talks about this, "Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God ... but every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust."

God answered my prayers today as I was able to see where I need to grow and delight in the work God is doing and has done. He will be glorified and this is GOOD.

After team time we went to Texas Chicken. It didn't feel the same without Sarah.

I Skyped with Mom when I got home, then worked on schoolwork. We had further answer to prayer when we received word that a former teacher in Erbil is coming to take Sarah's classes. We've arranged to cover those classes for the next two weeks, but are thankful she will be joining our team after the Nawroz break.

February 22nd and 23rd: "Looking Above"

"Take His easy yoke and wear it;

Love will make obedience sweet;

Christ will give you strength to bear it,

While His wisdom guides your feet

Safe to glory, where His ransomed captives meet."

- from "Come Ye Souls by Sin Afflicted"

Friday, February 22nd:
This morning I woke up to Skype with family and update them on the latest happenings. The past several nights have been late (11:30 or later), followed by early mornings (4:30-6:30am). This morning was the first time I had talked through all the events of the week. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come.

At 11:30, Andy and Lisa picked me up and we went to Zakho for the afternoon.

Batman fell asleep in the back seat :)

At the ancient Dalal Bridge in Zakho

Dalal means "Beautiful"

When I got home, the implications of the last two days finally hit. Up until this point, I wasn't really thinking how they affected me, just what I needed to do to keep things moving. Now that I am beginning to see how this touches my life and the people in it on multiple levels, it is hard not to feel overwhelmed. As the ripples spread out to those around me, stirring up emotions and reactions, I want to minimize the hurting, meet their needs, and sort this out in a way that works best for everyone. But I can't. And that is frustrating. In my mind, I know I need to trust God to bring about His purposes, but my heart isn't there yet.

We had another late Skype call to work out some details before school starts on Sunday.

Saturday, February 23rd:
Woke up at 6:30 this morning. Even after a workout, I was feeling frustrated and irritated. I tried to get a few things done before heading off for CSM's Got Talent at 10am. My heart wasn't really in it, but I tried to be excited for the kids. Thankfully half of the kids didn't show up and we were finished by 11:30am.

When I got home, I made lunch and washed the dishes that have been piling up. Then I crashed for about an hour. I got my grading done and sorted through a couple things before going to John and Mary's for dinner. I came home and scrubbed ... not so much because things needed to be cleaned, but to do something physical. We can't go out for a run, or get in the car and go for a drive, but I can clean! And it's nice to see something accomplished at the end of it.

Thinking it through while I cleaned ... It is hard to believe that so much has happened in so short a period of time. I'm still struggling to know how to respond to all the things that keep coming up. My heart breaks with each new "fall-out," but through the process, I find it bends a little more to what my mind already knows ... trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.

Throughout the day, I've been listening to songs that direct my thoughts to God, reminding me that the difficulties of this life are reasons to rest in the Lord. He is a refuge from the storm, a shadow from the heat. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I can walk forward through this time in obedience, trusting that His love will truly make my obedience sweet.

February 20th and February 21st: "Watching and Waiting"

Wednesday, February 20th & Thursday, February 21st:

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

"... times are not hidden from the Almighty..."

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."

"lean not on your own understanding..."

"...Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

I'm not able to say everything that has happened in the past two days, but suffice it to say, it has been a hard week for our team. The events of Wednesday and Thursday were sudden and unexpected. I am dazed, but thankful to have the "blessed assurance" of the verses above. Right now, we are watching and waiting, looking above ...

A couple highlights that would have been lost in the difficulties had I not already written them down:

On the way home from school, street lights line the sidewalks. Neglected orange trash cans hang from each one, sadly overlooked as people throw their litter on the ground or out the window of their cars. As I walked home the other day, two young boys were walking ahead of me. I was pleasantly surprised when one of the boys finished his soda, walked to the light post and dropped his can into the orange bin. A glimmer of hope for Duhok's future!

Despite the heaviness, I've been able to enjoy the little things and count the blessings of friends and loved ones back home who love me enough to send fun things ... like OSU flipflops, M&Ms, colorful Sharpie markers, and a new journal. I've put off "breaking into them," thankful to enjoy them in moments like these!

One "I can't believe that just happened moment" occurred when we were eating out in Erbil. Everyone had ordered chai after the meal. The waiter brought Mary and Lisa's theirs, and Sarah and I assumed he would come around the table and bring us ours. A few seconds passed and we realized he'd taken the chai cart and left. Lisa flagged down another waiter and the cart came back. Sarah and I both motioned for a tea, and he placed one in front of Sarah. I watched in disbelief as he rolled away. Though I'd like to think there was a misunderstanding, I'm almost certain his unwillingness to serve me was because of my facial features ... by now I think I should be used to being treated differently, but each time throws me off course a little as I try to sort out my emotional and mental response.

A menu from the restaurant in Erbil (gotta love the creative spelling)

In the elevator at the restaurant (we all fit!)

View from our roof

February 18th and 19th: "Perfect Submission"

Monday, February 18th:

There was an incident at school today that brought back a lot of memories from last year. Sarah and I walked home together to process, then I went up on the roof for some time to reflect. After that, I went to the local shops to pick up groceries ... as I was paying, I spoke a sentence in Kurdish without even thinking about it! Aside from the usual greetings, I typically think of the entire sentence in my mind, then say it out-loud. Today, the sentence just came!

The boys were out playing soccer in our alley. They were reluctant to let me take a picture, but they finally agreed to let me take one of the back of their jersey.

This little guy is one of my favorites. Whenever I see him, I think of Eithen.

Our team time was at John and Mary's. It was good to process the events of the day with everyone. I, in particular, sense the need to learn submission and trust God in all of the ups and downs we experience here. We tried a new restaurant for dinner. The kids at school call it, "Big Chief." But I think it is partly because they recently read "Indian in the Cupboard" :)

Great atmosphere, great food. We think it is a keeper!

Tuesday, February 19th:

This morning I woke up feeling like I'd had a bad dream, then realized it wasn't a dream at all ... Thankfully, my classes went well today. The class that had been interrupted yesterday got to finish their test today. They were thankful, especially as they realized how many questions they would have gotten wrong. During the thirty minute break, 6A and 6B played each other in a "football" (soccer) tournament. It was fun to watch, but I was torn between the two teams. In the end it was a tie, and I was relieved!

I walked home after school, and felt myself shut down. I got home and didn't do any schoolwork. I read, then zoned out for the rest of the afternoon. Mary brought over dessert pizza which was the highlight of the afternoon. In the evening, I graded just enough to get by, Skyped with Mom, then went to bed early.

February 16th and 17th: R&R

Saturday, February 16th:

Today I had an amazing "spa" day thanks to Lisa. She let me come over while they were at fellowship and take a bath! I soaked in the tub, then went outside and soaked in some sun. For the rest of the morning and afternoon, I had some quiet time in their spare bedroom ... candles lit, music playing, thinking things out ... it was a really relaxing and refreshing day.

In the evening, my friend, "Julie" picked me up and we went to the tailor's so I could be fitted for my jilli kurdi (with the material from my student.) I am looking forward to seeing it when it is all done!

When I got home, I Skyped with Jess (and some of the kiddos) :) then went to bed feeling ready for another school week.

Sunday, February 17th:

I had a good morning in all of my classes. The math riddle for the day: What has a face, two hands, but no arms or legs? ... A clock!

6B continues to waste time with their complaining. I'm praying for an opportunity to address it in a way that will be well-received and given in wisdom.

After school I taxied home and spent some time meditating on Romans 12:1. Daily meditation after school is one of my goals to help me stay focused on the present. God blessed my time in His Word and I finished feeling refreshed for the next part of my day. I responded to emails and finished some grading, then Lisa picked up the Mareen girls to go the market. We spent an hour looking, and in the end, Lisa, Mary, and Sarah all found material they liked for new jilli kurdis. 

So many choices!

When I got home, I baked potatoes for dinner. It turned out to be a better meal than I'd planned, as I added the works (including b-a-c-o-n bits, which I heaped on the top!) After dinner, I Skyped with all the brothers and Dad. Mom and I fit in a half hour at the end ... definitely not enough time! It was good to see and talk with everyone. This is the longest I've ever gone without them! After our call, I finished grading and wrote the test for sixth grade. Off to bed...

February 14th and 15th: Red Roses and Deep Conversations

Thursday, February 14th:

Happy Valentine's Day!

This morning I awoke to good news from back home ... after that the day just kept getting better! We played review games today, which went over well in all the classes except 6B (once again, they had to complain). During the break, I held a meeting for the CSM's Got Talent contestants. Our next round will be on the 23rd. Some of my students gave me roses and cards, which made my day that much sweeter:

After my classes, I was visiting with another teacher in the break room. We ended up talking about my adoption. She explained that in her religion, adoption is "taboo." It was an insightful conversation though difficult to navigate at times. I tried to explain the significance of God providing me with a mother and father, giving me love that I otherwise would not have had. Another teacher (her uncle by marriage) joined the conversation, which was interesting as he seemed to appreciate what I was saying instead of viewing it as "my way, but not theirs." At 2pm, we had a "school assembly." (I found out about it at noon.) The students raised the flag, then a couple classes sang songs. As John helped me corral my students, one of them looked up at me and said, "Miss, Mr. John is good isn't he?" I thought it was a sweet example of After they were dismissed to go home, the teachers went to the break room for a special lunch. Sadly, I didn't bring my camera. :(

After lunch, I walked home, paused for a moment, then headed back out to the orphanage. On the way, I saw three teenage boys rollerblading their way home! With their backwards baseball caps and backpacks, they could have stepped out of an episode of "Full House"! I had a great time with the girls ... I wish I could share more here. As we talked, we went from the way colors make you feel (why do you wear red on Valentine's Day?) to the book on their religion that they had given me. The first conversation ended up being a tool to help me communicate in the second! Very providential! All I can say is that I walked home thoughtfully, praising God for the opportunities He provides. He makes the dumb speak (even in another language), and gives understanding to the foolish. "And my tongue shall speak of thy righteousness and of thy praise all the day long."

When I got home, I had to change another light bulb (the third one this week). Amazingly, it had really burned out, so much so, the light bulb was falling apart! 

Friday, February 15th:

I had another good morning at fellowship. In our study of Daniel 6, I was encouraged again that trouble doesn't necessarily come because of what we've done wrong. Daniel was upright, yet he was thrown in the lions' den. Why? As a demonstration of God's power and glory, which was not only seen by Darius, but proclaimed to the entire kingdom. After our study, we enjoyed fellowship over a yummy lunch. One of the single gals and I went for a walk and enjoyed the beautiful weather. Then Andy and Lisa came to pick up their kids (who were staying with the family that hosted). They gave me a ride home. When I walked in, I suddenly realized it was already 5pm! A long day, but very refreshing and encouraging.

John was on a visit with a friend, so Sarah and I went over to hang out with Mary and watch a chic flick. After that, I tried to watch the live stream of the asteroid, but missed it somehow. I went on the roof to see if I could see any tiny specks moving :) and though I didn't, it was nice to know that the asteroid was flying by out there and we were kept safely by God.

February 12th and 13th: Are You My Mother?

Tuesday, February 12th:

God is merciful! Today was a much better day. I got up at 5am to start the day, listening to hymns as I got ready for school. I had a funny moment when I went to put on my shoes. Just recently I replaced a light bulb in my room (which has been out since Mom and Caleb were here.) My shoes are much more illuminated now and I discovered that Mom left a blue brush in the pair I hardly ever wear. The blue brush has been passed back and forth between Hannah and I for several years now. We both claim it is the other's, trying to get rid of it on one another. Since we started living further and further apart, the passing has been less frequent, but certainly more creative. By the time we are finished with it, the brush will have probably traveled more miles than either of us!

In class today I asked the kids some math riddles, which was a fun way to break up the lesson and get them thinking about math in a different way. They couldn't answer all of them, but one that surprised me was, "When do giraffes have eight legs?" Every class figured it out - "When there are two of them." I asked the c.c. (who also teaches 9th grade math) during the break. He and I both laughed over the fact that neither of us would have guessed it. My favorite riddle, "How many eggs can you put in an empty basket?" ... "Only one, after that the basket isn't empty." :)

During fifth grade's quiz, I asked the students to use a picture or a story to tell me about something they learned in math this year. My inspiration came from something I had heard and written down awhile ago, "Learning takes place when we experience what our minds already know in a new or different way." I wanted my kids to take what they already know and try to communicate it through storytelling. Their responses were very creative and I enjoyed reading most of them. On Melody's quiz (the one who had come to me about "losing" her BFF), her entire response was about why God has given us math and what we can learn about Him through math. [Many thoughts follow here, but will have to come another time.]

The sun was shining brightly after school, and I went to the market as an excuse to enjoy its warmth as long as possible. It was good to be outside and breathe in the somewhat-smoky-but-fresh air. As I walked home, R (the little 4 year old that I took to Gely last year) was out playing in the alley. I always ask him how he is doing, but today I noticed that there wasn't anyone playing soccer with him. I stopped for a moment (with my groceries in hand) and he kicked the ball to me. We kicked it back and forth a few times before I waved goodbye.

For the rest of the afternoon, I worked on schoolwork, then listened to a message on praying God's will. It was a good reminder that if I am to delight in the Lord, I have to delight in the things that bring Him delight and pray for those things to be fulfilled.

Popcorn for dinner. Then Sarah and I had our girl evening before heading off for bed.

Wednesday, February 13th:

Another 5am morning, which seems to help me focus my thoughts and prepare for school. Lisa picked Mary and I up from our apartment and we all drove together. I had a good morning with fifth grade, though Prissy has been leading the girls of 5A through the roller-coaster of her power trips. I try to remain unaffected and lead the rest of the class through the lesson. At some point we will have to talk, but for now I'm weathering the storm, waiting for the waves to calm before I try to approach her.

After sixth grade finished their quiz, I had them write out the names of all of their classmates and share something they really appreciated about each one. 6B complained about it (they've been doing that frequently), but the papers I received were thoughtful. In 6A, one of my twelve-year-old boys wrote down my name and said, "Miss Helen: Because she is like a mother to me." Sweet and serious at the same time ... I was reminded to pray that my influence as a "mother" would honor God and not myself.

This is the very sweet student who made that remark ... I'm pretty sure I'm not old enough to have a 12-year-old son!

During the break, I was finally able to get one of my students to tell me some of the heartache that I've glimpsed at various times throughout the past week. She couldn't tell me all of it, but from what I understand her family was in a terrible accident when she was very young and she was one of the few survivors. She lives with grief, remorse, and guilt. In the face of so much sorrow, what can one say? I longed to give her the peace that I have, but it isn't mine to give. I can only explain it, share it, and express my desire that she should have it. Only the Healer of souls can give her a new heart, remove her guilt, and bring her peace. I held her as she cried on my shoulder and told her I would pray for her. Such a heavy burden for one so young to bear.

When I got home, I listened to a sermon on the glory of God as our motivation. As I thought through it and looked up some articles on-line, I realized that I've been feeling overwhelmed as of late. I wouldn't have thought that initially as I see little being accomplished and the days seem to drag on in an endless stream of monotony. But as the truth came, I felt a sense of relief. In the midst of day-to-day living, I've been building up expectations for myself that lead to new "resolutions" and "I ought to dos". Even though those "resolutions" just felt like ideas, they were piling up in the back of my mind and creating a burden I didn't need to bear. I was able to turn them over to the Lord, then ask Him to focus on the things He wants me to focus on.

At 6:30, we went to Andy and Lisa's for team time before our Skype call. Andy had us read Exodus 14, then we shared the verses that stood out to each of us. I was especially encouraged when I realized that God didn't have to harden Pharaoh's heart and lead the Egyptians to pursue Israel, but He did it to glorify Himself. The Israelites had only to stand still and see the power of the Lord. When troubles come upon me, it is easy to think that I am doing something wrong. But the sermon this afternoon and this passage in Exodus remind me that trouble is used to glorify God. My sin or "success" is in the way I respond to the trouble. Do I wait on the Lord, trusting Him to glorify Himself, or do I cry out in fear? "Wherefore criest thou unto me? speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward." The evening was a reminder to press on with God's purpose in the forefront of my mind, "And Israel saw that great work which the Lord did upon the Egyptians: and the people feared the Lord, and believed the Lord, and his servant Moses.."

We had a good Skype call with our directors back home. In the process of answering questions for a family that is looking at coming here next fall, we shared how we came Duhok. It was a good reminder of my purpose and desire for being here. After our call, as we were recapping the week, my iPad started "ringing" - when I answered it, there was Eithen! It was so good to spend some time with him. He showed me a puzzle he recently finished and sang me a song he made up about flying to come and get me when he is big enough to be a "fly-lot" (pilot). It's been six months since I last gave him a hug! After I Skyped with Eithen (and Mom and Grandma), Lisa drove me home. It was a late night, but a refreshing day.

February 10th and 11th: Heavy-Hearted

Sunday, February 10th:

Today was somewhat of a blur. I made my way through all of my classes, and came home to sleep and restart the day again. I do recall that in 5B, the BFF from a few days ago came up to me and told me that she had forgiven her friend (Melody). I was really encouraged and thankful she had told me. The rest of the day was swallowed up in a heaviness that I can't explain.

In the evening I was going to go with a student to ch--ch but she never called (I found out later that she had company and they didn't end up going.) After my nap, I felt a little refreshed though after a few hours, I was swallowed up again in a sense of loss. I Skyped with the family and was encouraged to hear that my parents have been able to do some fun things. I am grateful for the people back home who are looking after them :)

Monday, February 11th:

Today was harder still. I am grateful for the strength to teach all of my classes, but by the end of the day, after I've walked home, I am ready for a nap. Throughout the last two days, I've been hit with sudden memories of home - a smell, a taste of a particular food, a look that reminds me of a loved one, an emptiness without Eithen. The thought is so spontaneous it takes me off guard and I feel a little piece of myself float away. Then there is the bombardment of discouraging thoughts, headaches and back pain.

After my nap, I read my journal and was encouraged by several things - 1. I've been through this before! 2. The solution isn't to go out and grapple with the problem, but to realize that these are the fiery darts of the enemy. I need to "hunker down beneath the shield of faith." 3. God will use this for His glory. My current situation isn't the result of any deficiency (yes, I fall short in many areas, but Jesus is my all) and piling on "shoulds" and "oughts" will only keep me in this pit. The Lord must raise me out it. 4. All I can do is cling to my Savior and call on His promises.

I felt a little more refreshed after this and finished my grading before we went to dinner. Our team time was canceled, but the Mareen group went out to the "fish restaurant." (It only serves one kind of boneless, skinless fish, but so far it is the only place we know of in the city.) After I got home, I was reading emails and got sidetracked doing some research. A couple hours later, I logged off and got ready for bed, feeling really unsettled. As I wrestled through it with the Lord, everything that I was reading in my journal and in my devotions fell into place. I was able to leave everything in the Lord's hands and go to bed with a sense of peace that my well-being is secure with Him.

February 8th and 9th: A Short Weekend

Friday, February 8th:

We had a good time at fellowship this morning looking at Daniel 5. Two reminders I took away: 1. God is dishonored when His holy vessels are defiled. We are to be set apart for Him. 2. God exalts the humble (Daniel who is promoted, then forgotten, promoted again, etc.) and debases the proud. After fellowship I went to my student's house for lunch. I wasn't feeling very well, but God helped the pain subside and I had an enjoyable visit. My student's mother made pizza, which was really good, and then we looked through photo albums and I played games with the two younger siblings. A little after 4, I came home and took a nap. I'm still fighting off headaches and back pain ... trying to stretch it out, but it seems to be getting worse. I spent the rest of the evening reading.

Saturday, February 9th:

Today was a productive day at home. I woke up at 6 so I could do a load of laundry while city power was on and then use my Internet while it is half price (from 5am until 10am). I was able to get a lot done. After that, I did a workout, ate lunch, vacuumed, showered, and then went to the roof for some quiet time. There seems to be a lot to pray through right now, so I am thankful for a quiet place where I can enjoy the sunshine and reflect on God's Word. The city went out at 2pm, which meant the early morning wasn't a waste since I'd gotten so much accomplished while it was on ... in some ways it is normal to lose power in the middle of the day, but I still have to make a conscious effort to plan my events around it. I took a nap and felt more refreshed afterwards, but by the evening my head was hurting again. I cooked up some veggies for dinner (eggplant, fried potatoes, mushrooms and onions), then Skyped with Mom. We hadn't planned on it, but were able to catch each other before I went to bed.

February 6th and 7th: Bella Notte

Wednesday, February 6th:

Today was Wishful Wednesday. I drew squares on the board and each team got to advance one square for a wish that someone on their team shared.  It was surprising how well the students behaved just to tell me what they wish for. Some of them wished that school was only for 6 months out of the year, others wished that they would pass, and then some had bigger dreams - a trip to the moon was one of my favorites.

All of the classes did fairly well. I had another enjoyable lesson in sixth grade ... we were talking about liquid measurements and conversions. We looked all the different things we convert - electricity, distance, water into power, and food into energy. The students stayed with our discussion and it helped to intersperse their wishes as a transition between ideas in the lesson.

I left school right after my classes, and walked home to bake brownies for tonight's team meal. Afterwards, I felt really tired (it was easier being a classroom monitor, I think!) I took an hour nap and woke up to hear it raining outside :( After I finished grading, I went to the orphanage.

When I arrived, I was taken to the main sitting room. The women workers were sitting on the couches and one of them told me that the older girls were too busy working on their homework. I sat for awhile on the floor with the younger girls. They chattered away and I tried to pick out bits and pieces. They inched closer and closer, eager to communicate with me. Suddenly, they would pause, looking puzzled when I couldn't respond, as though to say, "You're a grown person, why can't you understand me?" I gestured and did my best with the few words I know. They continued chattering, undeterred. Within a few minutes, nearly all five of them were in my lap. One of the older girls poked her head into the room and I greeted her. I didn't ask to go with her since I didn't want to get anyone in trouble for not doing their homework. She returned presently with another of the girls and they beckoned me to come with them. It was a smaller group as several of the girls were at their lessons. We talked, and I wrote down words as I learned them. I was able to help one of the girls with her math lesson. I was a little worried as her textbook was in Kurdish, but thankfully the lesson heading was in English and I was able to explain the concept on paper and with a few Kurdish words. The girls asked me about my grades in school and then asked why I didn't become a doctor. (Here, your grades determine your occupation. If you have good marks, you get to choose which school you go to and inevitably almost all of them opt for the high-paying professions. Students who perform poorly on the college "entrance exam" are relegated to English and teaching jobs.) I explained that I enjoy helping people (my students at CSM taught me how to say "help"). And they thought about that for awhile.

As I was leaving, two of the girls arrived from their lessons. They told me that they had run back just to see me. I hugged them and told them that I had to leave for a meeting. One of them brushed her fingers across her lips and pouted at me. In Kenglish (mix of Kurdish and English) I understood that she was refusing to talk to me because I was leaving. I gestured back that she had broken my heart. Immediately, a smile rushed to her face and she gave me a big hug. "I'll come to your house," she said. I told them I would get in trouble if I took them, but that I would come again soon to see them. I never cease to be amazed at the warmth that fills my heart each time I visit. The language barrier is getting easier and easier, and while I think I should leave feeling exhausted, I feel exceedingly blessed instead.

From the orphanage, I taxied to Andy and Lisa's for our team dinner. Andy grilled chicken and veggies and lamb chops, and Mary made a pesto pasta salad. It was a very satisfying meal. Afterwards John had a sinus headache and had to go home. Sarah and I stayed for the Skype call (and brownies ... from a mix that Mom brought from the States for my birthday! They were sooo good!) We had a good Skype call and then Lisa drove us home.

Thursday, February 7th:

Rode to school in "Magnum" with Lisa, Mary and Sarah this morning. Today was "Thoughtful Thursday" - for points for their team, the student I called on could share something nice about another student. I led the way, telling the student what I appreciated about them. Being thankful for and thoughtful of others seemed to change the atmosphere of the classroom. I was glad for the opportunity to not just "talk at them" but let them know that I am thankful for each one of them individual - whether or not they excel at math. Overall, it was a good day!

I found one of my girls from 5B in tears during the break. After several attempts, I finally persuaded her to tell me what was wrong. She told me that her best friend had written a note saying that she didn't want to be friends anymore. I told her I was sorry and tried to encourage her to make sure she was being the kind of friend that others would want to have. I told her that I noticed she wasn't as attentive in math and wasn't trying her best anymore. "Maybe your friends feel like you don't care about them either." She said she would think about it and then I reminded her that God is the friend who sticks closer than a brother or a sister. (I was able to talk with the BFF later and learned that my guess was correct. I encouraged the BFF to still be friendly and try to love her because I think she is going through a hard time right now ... I've already had to caution her about hanging out with the high school students, and I think those relationships have caused tension between her and the BFF.)

In 6A, my students were trying to get me to pronounce some of the more difficult Kurdish sounds. I try, but really can't get it right. They said, "Miss, say Iraq" (which has an airy "kh" sound that lingers in the back of the throat). I tried and tried, then asked them, "Do you know how we pronounce it where I'm from?" They laughed as I said, "I-rack." And then I explained that when I told my youngest brother I was going to "Ee-raqh," he wrinkled his nose and asked, "Why are you going to a rock?" The kids burst out laughing ... it's always fun when we can connect a little outside the lesson.

After school, Sarah and I taxied home together, stopping to pick up bread for tomorrow's fellowship snack time and then groceries from the corner store. When we got home, I made a cinnamon streusel bread for fellowship, and prepped some cucumbers for tzatziki (also for tomorrow). While the bread was baking, I cleaned the kitchen and read some of "Horse Soldiers." Dinner was sauteed mushrooms, zucchini, and onions with rice. Cooked together with soy sauce, it almost had a "Mongolian Restaurant" flavor ... but maybe that is wishful thinking on my part! I took a shower and cleaned the bathroom, then wrote out my lesson plans for the week and entered grades, trying to get my schoolwork done early in preparation for the weekend.

In the evening, I Skyped with Mom. Eithen and Jaden were watching "Lady and the Tramp." As soon as he saw I was on, Eithen brought the computer to the TV and told me to watch with him - so sweet! I convinced him to call me when the "spaghetti part" was on, so Mom and I could talk for awhile. We had a good conversation and I was encouraged to hear about my church family's eagerness to know what is going on over here and how they can help me. Sometimes it feels a bit isolated ... difficult to know how to relay the events in my life over here, but just knowing that they are thinking of me was a great comfort. Eithen came in to update me on the movie several times and then I got to watch the "spaghetti part" with him. After that we had to say goodbye, and I went to bed with a thankful heart for my loved ones back home.

February 4th and 5th: Contracts, Communication, and Culture

Monday, February 4th:

Today didn't get off to the best start and ended up being hard all around. 

5B was a little noisier today. I tried to have a game to keep up their spirits, but it was "Multiplication Mania" for Mathematical Monday and even though they enjoyed winning points, it didn't have quite the same effect as Simon Says.

5A was good. Prissy is setting herself up for another attack. I can always tell because she starts to alienate the girls one-by-one and I can see a shift in who is passing notes to whom. What she doesn't realize is that the more she alienates the class, the more attentive they become to me. Today she wavered between participating in the lesson/games and holding out as the defiant one.

When I walked in to 6B I wrote their instructions on the board, which were the same as yesterday. At the end of the class, I told them that they needed to write a contract if they wanted me to come back and teach. I want them to learn the value of the services they are given. Half of the students didn't stay for the meeting with their class president, and said they preferred teaching themselves. I honestly don't blame them. If I couldn't concentrate because everyone was talking so much, I'd rather read the lesson for myself and have the teacher act as classroom monitor. It was sad to see that they are divided about this ... this is my class that plays family together and decides whether or not they'll all do their homework on the same day.

Half of 6A was gone, working on a program with the music teacher. It gave me time to focus the lesson on the students who are usually a little bit further behind. They did fairly well and seemed to understand the lesson ... although in their usual, "let's do this the quick way" fashion, several of them had to show me another way to accomplish the same thing. I explained that both methods work, but it is like learning to write with your non-dominant hand, you might need to use the less efficient way someday, so you might as well practice now (at least that is what Dad and I think!)

After I finished my classes, I was grading papers in the teacher room when the c.c. asked how sixth grade was doing. He asked me if I would begin teaching them again. I told him about the contract, that they were supposed to meet during the break to figure it out, and that half of 6B didn't want me to continue teaching ... and then he got upset. He asked me to come with him to their classroom and proceeded to chew them out. He warned them that there would be "black days" ahead of them if they continued down this path. I HATE when my kids get yelled at. It feels like I'm being yelled at too ... or at least makes me wish I was being yelled at instead of them. The c.c. also chewed out 6A, though they have been better than 6B. We'll see how this all plays out tomorrow... praying for wisdom to know what to say to them.

Around 2, I went to the market and met up with an expat friend who is going back to Mexico. She has mixed feelings about going. It was hard to know what to say to her, but I tried to be an encouragement and ask questions to see how she sees God working through this. After we separated, I walked home, taking advantage of the clear skies and sunny weather. I felt heavy-hearted on her behalf, thinking of the difficulties on the path that lie ahead of her. As I walked up the dirt staircase that connects the market with the main road up above, a group of boys at a cafe yelled out obscenities at me. Their words contrasted strangely with the thoughts I was thinking and the beautify of the life around me that I was in the midst of admiring. While a father or brother would be expected to defend my honor in this culture, I called out to my Heavenly Father to protect my reputation. "Let me not be ashamed for I put my trust in Thee."

When I got home, I went up to the roof to pray and read. It was a refreshing moment, especially as time finally slowed down for a moment. Lately, it seems to be rushing by in a whirlwind and I hardly have time to breathe or think. After an hour, I descended to my room and was able to get some grading done before Andy and Lisa picked us up for dinner. We went to Texas Chicken and I was encouraged by the team, though my heart was heavy with the events of the day.

When I got home, I finished the schoolwork, responded to emails, and headed off to bed.

Tuesday, February 5th:

Today was a much more cheerful day! I actually caught myself humming as I walked into 5B. We had Tasty Tuesday today and the kids were allowed to eat in class. We also played a game where they had to give me the name of a food as we worked our way through the alphabet. We took an oral quiz in each class. Fifth grade needs to practice their listening skills. I ended up writing some of the information on the board, but overall it went well in both classes. Prissy continues to push and poke ... one minute she was making fun of me and the next she was trying to do something sweet for me. My indifference really seems to confuse her.

Sixth grade was much, much better today. 6B handed me a contract with their signatures on it. It took them 7 minutes to get ready to start our lesson, so I told them it would come out of their break afterwards. A couple students complained about the quiz, but when I spoke to them about it, they changed their attitudes. I encouraged them to set a very specific goal for themselves this week. For some, I suggested they work at not complaining, for others, participating, and for most, no talking. As I finished my "lecture," one of the boys cut in, "Miss, can you just get on with the lesson?" I shook my head in disbelief. "You just signed a contract that said you wanted me to teach. This means that if I want to spend 5 minutes lecturing, or telling you about my day, or telling jokes, you need to accept it as part of your instruction." Thankfully the rest of the class did not share his sentiments and scolded him for being disrespectful. The rest of the class went well and I am hopeful that we can push forward together.

Our lesson was about unstated information in a problem. It led into a really interesting conversation about direct and indirect communication. I gave them an example of both and we talked about which style is used in different cultures. (Note: we incorporated art and humanities into our math lesson today - the kids were amazed!) I really enjoyed the lesson and encouraged them to go home and look for examples of unstated information - i.e. knowing what your mother cooked for lunch because of the smell, how her day was by the look on her face, etc.

After school, I graded papers in the teacher room, then taxied home. I finished schoolwork, made lunch/dinner, then Sarah and I had our weekly girl time. A cup of tea, a few more emails, and then off to bed... I cut my thumb this morning, which is normally not a big deal, but because I have to worry about infection (even when I wash my hands) it becomes a bother. Lots of peroxide and antibiotic ointment! (And who would have thought we use our thumbs so much?!) :)

February 2nd and 3rd: The Aroma of the Heart

Saturday, February 2nd:

Woke up to no city power! It was FREEZING! After my morning devotions, I took the laptop to my bed and worked from under the blankets. I wasn't quite as productive as I'd hoped since my hands were so cold. City finally came on in the afternoon and I was able to finish writing out my lesson plans and typing in the grades. The afternoon was sunny and bright which was a nice change from the rainy cold of the past few days.

Sunday, February 3rd:

Today was "Simon Says" Sunday. In 5B I told them to bring something that started with S. Some of them just brought lists of words, but it got them thinking about something different and made the day a little more interesting. I explained Super Bowl Sunday in America (I'm disappointed to miss it for the second year in a row, but not as disappointed as I'd be if I liked the teams more.) During the lesson, I would pause and call on the quietest row to play Simon Says. They really enjoyed it and I had fun trying to trip them up on a command.

5A enjoyed Simon Says as well. I'm not doing the themed days in all the classes this week (just 5B), but I am going to try to bring a game to each class, just to liven things up.

In 6B, however, we didn't play any games. I began the class by reading portions of their Q&A aloud. Most of the responses were unenthusiastic or shifted the blame to the teachers or the other students. However, I marked four papers as "3 Stars" - they showed a glimmer of what I hope they will learn through this process.

Q: Why isn't your class trying their best?

A: "We just don't care about our lessons. Some of us just come to play and talk with our friends."

Q: What does it mean to be teachable?

A: "Teachable means quick to learn and good listening."

Q:How are you going to be teachable?

A: "I am going to break down the wall that tells me this is impossible."

For the remainder of the period, they taught themselves the lesson and had to turn in the practice problems before the end of class. I wrote down the names of the students who spoke or disturbed the other students. At the end, half of the class was on the board - I showed them that this is the struggle I face every day - trying to teach over the voices of so many students. I come into the class excited about the lesson, but quickly, their attitudes and disrespectful behavior drown out the lesson. "What is attitude, Miss?" I explained that it is what comes from their heart. Borrowing the metaphor from Facing the Giants, I told them that their attitudes stink, which shows me that their hearts are rotten. "And what happens when you walk into a room that smells bad?" They all wrinkled their noses. "Exactly! This is how my heart feels when I walk into your classroom and you begin complaining about our project (which was meant to be fun) or you start talking with your friends instead of listening to the lesson." The room was silent as I explained ... and I realized that perhaps the reason for all of this (my hair turning white, a heavy heart each day, and a migraine) might be to help them learn something that will benefit them for the rest of their lives. On the outside they may be fine - they may wear the right clothes, smile sweetly at the teacher - but eventually the state of their heart is going to show. And the smell it emanates will reveal who they really are inside.

6A is better than 6B, but we tend to deal with things much faster in that class. I don't know that they think about things as deeply though ... they just come back to it again and again. It is interesting how each class takes on a personality. 5A and 6B are very similar in their resistance to change, deep thoughts, and slow processes. While 5B and 6A adapt quickly, look for the more efficient way to get something done, grasp concepts much faster, but don't always retain them as long. It keeps my job challenging!

After school, I taxied home alone. (Sarah stayed late to meet with the students during the class to recap their trip to Sulymania.) While at home, I cleaned the kitchen, did a load of laundry, and caught up on some emails. I subscribe to a classroom management website and got an email from them this afternoon - "Are you boring your students to death?" (or something along those lines) ... it was a good reminder to dedicate time to lesson planning. I can get burned out with grading and forget to look forward to the next day. Simon Says went surprisingly well today and that was an encouragement to keep "mixing things up" during the day.

I took a nap for about an hour ... it's been taking me a long time to fall asleep lately, so it was good to catch up on some sleep. In the evening, I Skyped with my family. I got passed around to everyone. Eithen was in a playful mood and pretended to make a stuffed animal talk to me on the computer (it was actually the bear I had as a baby that I gave to him before I left). I will miss watching the Super Bowl today, but glad I can still connect with family.

January 31st and February 1st: Numeral Nancies, Visit with a Student, and Lessons from Daniel

Thursday, January 31st:

Lisa picked me up in "Magnum" (that was one of the names suggested for their van ... I'm not sure if we've decided on one yet). Despite the rainy dreariness of the day, I had a really fun time in fifth grade. We had a project day scheduled, so I taught them how to draw numeral nancies. Once they got started, they really enjoyed it. Here are a couple of my favorites

The story of 8 and 6 (when they make a visit to Dr. 7)

Number 9, who is friends with 11 because they're both odd (so cute!) :)

Very creative story about 6, 2, and 7 who all represent animals:

A very cool Number One (whose BFF is the boy who drew the picture)

Even though we did a project in sixth grade, they were still a hard class to teach. Over half the students have simply given up. Even my "brightest" students were either complaining or not paying attention. I was really discouraged after 6B. 6A wasn't as difficult, but I definitely had a headache by the end of the day. I graded papers in the teacher room, sketched some flowers, then read "Horse Soldiers" as I waited for 2:30 to roll around. My student from 6B had invited me to her house for the afternoon. Her cousin is also in that class, and I teach one of their relatives in 5B. They all ride home together with siblings who are in the lower grades (six in all). We dropped off the others, then went to my student's house. Her cousin came over with us. I really enjoy both of them and had a great time.

My student lives in a beautiful home (mansion?) on the side of the mountain. There are two great pillars outside the entrance. Everything was very modern and spacious. They even have a marble-encased fireplace in their home! When we entered, I was taken into the family room where I met my student's four brothers (I didn't realize they were all at home and so much older - it was a little awkward for a moment.) Two of her brothers were in the U.K. for a time so they spoke English really well and asked lots of questions. We ate lunch together around a table in the kitchen. I was encouraged to "eat, eat!" All of the food was amazing. My student's mother made my favorite Kurdish dishes just for the occasion. Even though I stuffed myself, I still don't think I ate enough to satisfy her.

After lunch the brothers dispersed to other parts of the house, and my two students and I spent the afternoon in the living room. The youngest brother (grade 3), mother, and sister came and went, asking questions and making sure I was comfortable. I practiced my Kurdish with my student's mother who doesn't speak any English. Throughout the afternoon, I was served roasted almonds (on the soba), chai, juice, chocolates, and fruit. We played games on the iPhone while chatting about the things going on in the girls' lives. It was very relaxed and I enjoyed getting to know them better. (They said afterwards, "Miss, it was just like you were our big sister.") My student usually covers her head completely at school, so I've never seen her hair. It was soooo long. I did both of the girls' hair and then one of them did mine ... it is amazing how a simple activity like that can make you feel more comfortable with each other and build the relationship. As my student did my hair, she exclaimed, "Miss!" I shifted my eyes as she moved her hand into my peripheral vision. In it, a very, very white hair! This student did my hair during my surprise birthday party at the school, and when I asked her, she said it definitely hadn't been there then. I told her it must have come from all the stress her class is causing me!

Around 7, I told them I needed to go home. They had to feed me once more before I could (even though I was still stuffed from "lunch"). For dinner, we had Ramon Noodles, fried eggs, bread, fig jelly, yogurt, and tea. As I left, the mother gave me material for a new Kurdish dress (I had brought a gift to thank her for lunch, and then she gave me the material in return!) It is beautiful ... I can't wait to have it made. I had such a nice time it was hard to leave, but I was also really tired from a long day at school.

The sister drove me home as she and her mother were going to visit a relative who just had a baby. As I got out of the car, the mother got out to hug me goodbye. She presented me with a large plastic bag. I protested, but she insisted that I take it. When I took it up to the apartment, I discovered it was filled with rice, cooking oil, and tomato sauce. (I think she was worried I would starve!)

Sarah got home around 9:15 ... unfortunately she had to come home to a cold house since city power had been out for awhile. I curled up in bed to get warm, then fell asleep as city power tried to make up its mind about coming on.

Friday, February 1st:

It was an encouraging morning at fellowship. During our study in Daniel I was reminded that God abases the proud for His glory, and in this we can find hope. Only a remnant remained in Babylon; God uses them to demonstrate His power to the king. In chapter 4, the king is humbled, and we see him glorify the God whose kingdom is forever. Despite this, the passage does not say that God's servants are released from their bondage. The main purpose for Nebuchadnezzar's abasement wasn't the deliverance of the three men who were faithful to God, but for God's exaltation. Too often, I look at God's work through my own eyes ... how will this bring about my deliverance? how will I benefit from His providence? As we read, I was reminded of Psalm 73 and turned to read it. The psalmist is bemoaning the state of the ungodly and how they seem to profit despite their wickedness. In verse 17, he enters the sanctuary (lifts his eyes to heaven as in Daniel) and there sees God's purposes. "So foolish was I, an ignorant: I was as a beast before Thee. Nevertheless I am continually with Thee." Too often I look to the physical outcome of situations and circumstances and get discouraged, forgetting that God's glory will always be the end result. When we look up instead of around, we are no longer discouraged, instead we are filled with amazement and wonder. "It is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all Thy works." Thankfully, our good is wrapped up in God's glory, so when we reflect that all things are done to glorify Him, we can rest and find hope.

After fellowship, we went to an open house for a newly married couple in our expat group. It was nice to see our friends from the other fellowship group and visit with them. From there, we went to Julie's house for games and snacks. We had a fun time, staying away from the games that could get too competitive. :) Andy and Lisa came over and played with us, then gave me a ride home afterwards. We stopped at a Turkish bakery and Lisa picked out some new kinds of bread. One was similar to a cinnamon roll, another looked like a donut, and there was another yummy twist that resembled an elephant ear. It's a good thing we don't live close to that bakery!

When I got home, Sarah and I hung out, hoping city would come back on. It was on for a brief time, but went out again and we had to bundle up before bed.