Monday, January 21st:
Mary and I walked to school this morning. As I reached the top of the stairs to the fourth and fifth grade floor, there were surprisingly no students hanging around to greet me. It was an unlooked for blessing as I felt the need to suddenly stop and pray. I asked God to give me a heart to walk the few remaining step to my classroom and teach. There was a crushing load on my heart, and no way to explain it. God answered my prayer and I had just enough strength for each class. After grading papers in the teacher room, I walked home, trying to pray through my disquieted spirit. After entering grades in the computer, I tried to nap. I finally fell asleep at 3:30 for just 15 minutes before we had to leave for our team time.
It was a beautiful walk, but my heart wasn't in it. I was thankful for an encouraging team time. We looked at Psalm 112. The upright man is able to give graciously and freely and is still described as having wealth and riches. It was a good reminder that God will supply my need, even as He requires me to give more and more. As we discussed and meditated, I was reminded of the passages in Mark where Jesus breaks the bread to feed the multitudes. My heart feels like it is being broken into pieces - students bickering and I realize I can't make them love each other, a heart that is restless and I can't bring it the peace it longs for, a physical need that I can't meet, a desire to "talk it out" and I'm too far away to sit down with them ... God keeps opening my eyes to more and more needs that I can't fulfill. I point them to the One who can meet all of their needs, but they reject Him. My heart cries out in weakness. What can I do? ... Delight in the Lord. The upright man is defined in verse 1 as the man who fears the Lord, who delights in His commandments. He is the God who binds up the broken, heals the sick, and feeds the hungry with a few meager loaves. But each loaf must be broken into pieces, only remnants will remain. Can I delight in the Hands of the One Who is breaking me? As I learn to delight in Him, He teaches me to love more, He enlarges my heart. And my love must come back upon Him, "I will run in the way of Your commandments, when You shall enlarge my heart."
After our team time (which included singing hymns on the roof), we tried a new restaurant. It is Syrian owned, so the salads and bread were different than what the local restaurants normally serve. Andy and Lisa had tried it on a date night and recommended the boneless fish. It was delicious! I was glad to have leftovers for tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 22nd:
I didn't sleep very much last night. But it was good to have the extra hours for prayer. As much as this season hurts, I see how God is training me through it. I don't like to stick things out when I am failing, but God is showing me that "success" is measured by my delight in Him, not in an expected outcome. He is glorified as we follow Him obediently through the difficulties, discomforts, and shortcomings of this life.
When I finally "woke up," I felt much more encouraged. Certainly not light-hearted, but steady in the path that needs to be walked today. I had a good day with all of my students. The girls in 5A came to me yesterday in an argument (Prissy at the crux again), I kept asking God for wisdom and He answered. I gathered them all around me at the break. They told me that things between them were better and I told them I was relieved. "When you fight among yourselves, you break my heart." (We've been studying fractions, so here was a perfect opportunity to make a practical application.) "All of you make up my heart. When you fight, you are cutting my heart up into pieces. Here it divides, and here it divides" (I drew lines in between them). They looked at me intently. "Please get along. Each day I am going to ask you if you've said something nice to one of the other girls in the class and ask you who has said something nice to you. Sometimes you have to work at being friends, and I want you to try."
6B was really talkative, and I had to be stern with two of the boys. One of the girls almost started crying because she thought I wasn't going to explain the lesson. I explained that I can do all the work on the board, but that if they aren't actively engaged, they aren't really learning anything. They are the ones who have to take the tests, know the information, and apply it. Making me do all the work isn't helping themselves. After that, everyone started following along. One of these days I think I may have to leave the class and forgo the lesson so they will understand that teaching to an unresponsive class isn't worth anyone's time...
6A has been doing better since I divided them into teams. Today they got to pick a number between one and ten each time I saw participation, attentiveness, etc. At the end of the class, I listed the numbers I was thinking of ... 1, 3, 5, 7 and the closest team got a point. I am going to have to keep coming up with easy-to-play games for two teams...
I finished my grading in the teacher room. One of the other teachers knows our landlord and talked to him - apparently the repairman came by today and fixed the leak! The walk home was much more refreshing today. I entered all my grades into the computer, ate my leftover fish, and had a quiet, reflective afternoon.
Sarah and I had "roomie time" in the evening, then I went to bed early.
