Thursday,
November 1st:
Woke up
early and packed our bags. The hotel attendant agreed to take them down to the
office for us, since checkout was at 11:30 and we were going to be on the bus
tour at that time. A quick stop at Starbucks, then off the Hagia Sophia to be
the first ones in line at 8am. Sarah and I grabbed some seats near the gate and
played around on our iPads. By 8:20 the line had started. Sarah saved our spot
in line and chatted with a couple from Georgia (USA). We were some of the first
ones through the gate and into the Hagia Sophia. I tried not to have my hopes
up, since everyone we met along the way told us this was their favorite place.
It was impressive! Chandeliers hang low from the ceiling, colored light streams
in from the stained glass windows. My favorite part was the upper gallery.
Looking out of the windows, I could see views of the city, over the balcony was
a better view of the main room, and it was easier to see the architectural
features on the columns and domed ceiling.
It was a
quick look around, but we needed to catch our bus tour at 10am. We hopped on
the green line, which took us around the Golden Horn. At the top of the Horn,
we stopped at Miniaturk which is a representation of Turkey on a 1/25 scale. It
was fun to see all the places we’d visited during our stay. We stayed there for
about 45 minutes, then caught a bus going back to the Hagia Sophia (so relieved
that we didn’t have to walk!) We had some time to spare, so I was able to go
back to the waterfront to journal. A woman came by selling nuts and sunflower
seeds, so I bought some. An older man asked me if I wanted some chai. I think
he felt sorry for me sitting by myself. People here are much friendlier and
I’ve enjoyed interacting with them. At 3pm, Sarah and I checked out of our
hotel and caught the shuttle back to the airport. We had a two hour wait until
our flight left, but we filled the time at a coffee shop that had wifi for
patrons. I was able to IM with Mom and ended up crying all over my iPad. She is
always a good spiritual comfort, listening as I confessed my failings and
pointing me to the Lord as my security. We boarded our plane, had a layover in
Ankara, then left there for Erbil.
Friday,
November 2nd:
We
arrived in Erbil around 3am. Kinley and Katrina (the American family teaching
at CSM Erbil) were there to meet us. Kinley helped us get a taxi home. In a
culture where a man has to be our representative, I am thankful for our male
teammates who assume responsibility for us. Kinley took the phone number of our
driver and sent us on our way. If anything had happened to us on the way home,
the driver would have been accountable to Kinley. After the events in March, I
appreciate now what Kinley’s responsibility would have entailed. God is
gracious to provide brothers in Christ who care for us. This brotherly
affection was further exemplified when John had to come down at 6:30am and open
the gate to our apartment. God brought us safely back home and we were able to
spend the rest of the day resting and visiting with our team. Mary had all of
us over for tomato pumpkin bisque and homemade bread!
Saturday,
November 3rd:
Woke up
this morning to help at the basketball clinic. It was good to get some exercise
and hang out with students. By 11am, it was raining. Seems like it only rains
on the days we have basketball!
I walked
home around 12pm, then changed into dry clothes and made myself lunch. Drinking
a cup of hot tea, I listened to the lecture on shame, guilt, and contempt (again).
Ever since Tuesday evening, after our failed attempt to catch the bus, I’ve
been burdened with a heavy load of shame. The walk along the water helped me
identify, at least in part, the source of my shame. I made a bad decision to
walk to the bus stop, which almost got us killed. I didn’t ask the Lord for
guidance, but plowed ahead in my impatience. Wednesday was a relaxing day on the
boat, and I was able to put aside the shame (failing to deal with it correctly
in repentance and sorrow over sin). Thursday and Friday only intensified my
feelings of shame. Instead of identifying the reason for it, I wallowed in
false guilt. Unlike true sorrow for sin, false guilt cycles around ourselves,
giving us a sense of control – I should have known better, I should have tried
harder – and giving us false hope – next time I’ll do better, next time I’ll be
more aware. As I listened to the lecture today, it was discouraging to realize
that I’m back here again. Last spring, God opened my eyes to the
destructiveness of my shame. By His help, I was learning to turn to Him for
acceptance in my shame instead of being overcome by it. How quickly I turned
back to self-reliance, being overtaken by the old habits of “oughts” and trying
to live up to expectations! After listening to the lecture, I could
only plead with the Lord to soften my heart and help me believe in His
unconditional acceptance. It is easy to want to give up now. I’ve failed to
meet my own expectations, I’ve failed to meet others’ expectations, and now I
feel that I’ve failed God. The lecture reminds me that in Christ I have my
security and I am loved independently of my own and others' expectations.
At 4pm,
the entire team loaded up in Andy and Lisa’s new van (they bought a new H1
while we were gone), and we headed off to Mazi. After buying some groceries, we
went to Texas Chicken for dinner. It always feels like family when we get together! We had fun initiating the new van as a team …
still deciding on a name for it! As Andy and Lisa dropped us off, we calculated
that we’d just saved 18,000 ID!
In the
evening, I was able to Skype with Mom. She encouraged me and listened as I told
her what God has been teaching me through the week’s events. We talked about
how the enemy has heaped the shame on my head, using my personality against me.
Our time together reminded me of Christian and Faithful encouraging each other
in the way. The cloud of confusion and doubt threatens to choke us, but through
the encouragement of fellow believers, God drives the mist away and we are draw
once again to His light.
Thankful
for a peaceful night before I go to school.
