I'm still not able to explain very much about the past few days, but I can say that on Wednesday night we learned that Sarah had to return home very suddenly and unexpectedly. It was a hard time for all of us as she prepared to leave within 24 hours. Not only was there the emotional response of losing a teammate, friend, and coworker, but also the logistical response, wondering why and what would happen next.
My heart ached for Sarah as I saw her grief. My heart ached for her students who wouldn't get to say goodbye. My heart ached for our team and the memories this triggered of the events occurring almost one year ago. My heart ached too for myself ... Sarah and I knew we'd part ways for the summer, but we hadn't expected anything this sudden. It's hard to lose someone who has lived life with you through difficult circumstances that others have never experienced.
I went through a wave of different emotions today. While I woke up encouraged by last night and this morning's devotionals, by the time my day ended at school, I was drained, tired, and feeling bitterness creep in. Thankfully my Skype call with Mom allowed me to express my frustrations and talk through what I know to be true vs. what I am feeling. Afterwards, I was able to take those thoughts to the Lord and leave them with Him.
Monday, February 25th:
This morning I was able to do a cardio workout and felt much more energized for the day. My classes went well, though I had a frustrating moment when one of the students went over my head, talked to the principal and got him to write a letter excusing the student on three assignments. I've taken over Sarah's afternoon literature class. Even though it has been a bit of an adjustment, I'm thankful that the students already know me (from my time as a classroom monitor, sub, and through the soccer clinic last spring).
After school I went to my friend, H's house for lunch. It was an encouraging visit. H had many comforting and uplifting words to say. As I left, I was reminded that:
My motives for moving forward can be found in the past, remembering what was done for me by Someone who left everything to come to sinful man. I can look at my work here in the negative, focusing on all the things I've given up, or I can look at it in the positive, remembering what was given up for me.
From H's house, I taxied to Andy and Lisa's for team time. Andy led us through the first 17 verses of James. Here are a few of the things that summarized what I've been thinking about over the past few weeks and the events of the past few days:
I can delight in this time because it is a gift from God. "Every good and perfect gift comes from above." What is the gift? A perfect work. God is perfecting me that I may be entire, lacking nothing. How am I being perfected? God is testing my faith and growing my patience. My patience has worn thin over the past few days, and it finally became clear tonight that I am impatient to see my desires come about. Even if the desires are good - I don't want anyone to feel the hurt of this anymore," "I want to see the fruit from these hardships" - they become inordinate when I prefer them over God, His desires, and what He is doing. (I read an article on this about two weeks ago ... providential preparation). My impatience reveals inordinate desires. James talks about this, "Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God ... but every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust."
God answered my prayers today as I was able to see where I need to grow and delight in the work God is doing and has done. He will be glorified and this is GOOD.
After team time we went to Texas Chicken. It didn't feel the same without Sarah.
I Skyped with Mom when I got home, then worked on schoolwork. We had further answer to prayer when we received word that a former teacher in Erbil is coming to take Sarah's classes. We've arranged to cover those classes for the next two weeks, but are thankful she will be joining our team after the Nawroz break.
